Dealing With Toxic People

Today is June 30th, 2021. Usually, I produce a new article on Tuesdays; however, I've been wrestling with this subject and did not quite find the words yesterday. I hope this writing is in season and a tool for you and those you share it with.

King Ahab and Queen Jezebel

There's a story in the Bible of a king who married a woman, and like in some cases of royal weddings, it was done for political gain. Unfortunately, though, this new marriage also brought a new wave to the northern kingdom of Israel.

In this particular instance, the story I'm referring to is the story of Jezebel and King Ahab. King Ahab was an Israelite king who married a Sidonian woman named Jezebel and became involved in worshiping Baal, the god of her people. King Ahab and Queen Jezebel served as leaders of the northern kingdom of Israel. 

One of the things that are highlighted in this story is her narcissistic, toxic, seductive attitude. In the story, we see how she would frequently pump up King Ahab so that he would take unjust actions, like killing a man only to take his land.

Much like Ahab, often we join in relationships, rather platonic or romantic, not realizing that the other party may indeed be toxic. Toxic people have a way of being seductive and charming. Although seductiveness is often equated to something sexual, this may not always be the case, as we know the temptation isn't only limited to something sexual.

Jezebel was so synonymous for her toxicity that in the book of Revelations, when God speaks to one of the churches of Asia, he warns them about a woman who had Jezebel-like actions. Narcissistic, seductive, toxic.

So how do we avoid toxic people?

I guess we first should start with how to identify a toxic person; because toxic people are sometimes intoxicating, their seduction leads to your destruction.

Identifying a toxic person.

1. Toxic people over hype for themselves but undersell for you.
2. You'll often see toxic people speak in a bombastic manner when it comes to them and their accomplishments while showing no excitement when it comes to your achievements. They will also find a way of turning your achievement about them.
3. Toxic people use non-toxic words filled with toxicity.
4. A simple "what are you doing?" coming out of the venomous mouth of a toxic person can have an underlining tone of arrogance. 
5. Toxic people draw you into their drama.
6. No matter how positive you intend on being, toxic people have a way of drawing you into negative space, only to leave you drowning there like an untrained swimmer in the deep-end.
7. Toxic people don't really celebrate your wins.
8. As previously mentioned, they undersell your achievements, and as such, don't expect them to truly celebrate your wins, no matter what size they may be.
9. Toxic people don't recognize the error of their ways (they are the victim).
10. No matter what goes sideways, toxic people will always defer the responsibility of apologizing and, therefore, will always be the victim of circumstances and situations.

How to avoid toxic relationships

1. Don't ignore the red flags.
2. Often we get that feeling in the pit of our stomach, or hear a little voice that indicates we are going in the wrong direction, or see something that sets off our spider-sense, don't ignore that!
3. Take inventory of how this person, this relationship, makes you feel when you're around them.
4. If you are unsure of the red flags that you are seeing, ask yourself: how do I feel when I am with this person? How do I feel when they are not around? Do they make me want to be better, or do they drown out any positive energy?
5. Avoid complacency.
6. Because toxic people don't celebrate your wins, anything that looks as though you're surpassing them, they'll minimize it, making you feel as though you're doing too much.
7. Don't be afraid of saying no.
8. As my friend and host of The voice of Tamar podcast, Vanessa Santiago, always says, "setting healthy boundaries is a good thing." Part of setting healthy boundaries requires that you would be willing to say no.
9. Stop living in denial.
10. Often these individuals who are toxic can be family members, relatives, close friends! We should not be in denial that these individuals don't bring value to our betterment and future. If you don't cut the umbilical cord, they will continue to take every ounce of positivity that lives in you.
11. Create a new circle.
12. Surround yourself with people that will nourish your vision. The people that will nourish your vision will also challenge you, not to deplete you from energy but only to help you anchor down on what's important.

Final Thoughts.

King Ahab entered into a relationship, a partnership that led him astray from his core values and any true future as a prosperous king. Although the Bible, Jezabel was a woman who was narcissistic, seductive, and toxic, there are men who have this Jazabel-like toxicity. I would encourage you to really self-evaluate and listen to those who are willing to call you out when you can't see the forest from the tress and, please, avoid this type of person and relationship like the COVID-19.